


Weightless

by realmsoffreedom



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9956879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: He’s always been known as the skinny kid. At family gatherings his relatives would tell him to eat more and then proceed to warn him about his metabolism catching up to him. In the past few years, he’s understood exactly what they were talking about. He needed to make a change and he did and now it’s turned into a damn eating disorder that’s going to cost him the love of his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I've never written for this fandom before, but I've been on such an All Time Low kick recently, especially with Dirty Laundry and the announcement of Last Young Renegade, and this kinda happened. 
> 
> Jack and Alex are probably so OOC, but I'm still really proud of how this came out, and I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> Hug trigger warning for eating disorders and anxiety, just be careful.

Jack is trying so hard not to cry.

There’s a lump in his throat and an ache in his chest and his whole body hurts. He feels like he’s about to cry but he’s determined not to let tears fall. 

Of course this would happen. 

Of course he’d find some way to fuck everything up like he always does. He’s just so damn good at it. It’s impossible for him to do anything right, that part is clear as fucking day. He knows this is going to screw everything up and that makes him hate himself even more because he can’t fucking lose Alex.

Alex, who has the patience of a saint, who’s been trying so hard to help him pull himself out of this hole and become normal again. Alex, who’s one goal has been to help him love himself and see himself as more than a soggy pile of fat. Alex, who’s probably on his last nerve because Jack can’t go one goddamn day without making himself throw up. Alex, who claims to love him but is going to leave after he finds out about this because all Jack knows how to do is fuck up his life.

The chicken just felt so _heavy_ in his stomach. He felt so bloated and disgusting and _wrong_. He didn’t deserve that food. He didn’t need it. It felt like a weight sitting at the pit of his stomach and every time he moved it made him nauseous. He had to get rid of it. He couldn’t help himself. Maybe if he’d been stronger, he would’ve been able to resist, but being full hurt too much.

Somehow he feels even worse with no food in his stomach. He feels even worse knowing that Alex is going to find out and be so angry with him. He knows he won’t be able to handle it. He can deal with the yelling. It’s not something foreign and it won’t hurt that badly. What’s going to hurt the most is the disappointment in Alex’s eyes, knowing that he’s the reason for it. What’s going to hurt the most is Alex not saying anything because he’s trying so hard to help Jack but all Jack does is undo every inch of progress they make. Every step forward means another step back and Jack knows Alex is so done.

He can’t help how much he hates himself. He feels like he can’t breathe under the weight, like it’s suffocating him. He can’t help looking at food like it’s the enemy because it is. To his fatass body, food is the enemy. It’s such a little bitch with how enticing it is, but he knows it’s a trap. It’s a clever, sneaky ass trap, and he refuses to fall for it. It’s better to not eat at all than to try and control the pig in him.

He’s always had a hard time with self-control. He couldn’t staunch his feelings about Alex for very long. Part of the reason they’re together is because he couldn’t stop himself from kissing Alex a few years ago, effectively revealing his feelings. Looking back on it, that’s the only instance where his inability to control himself has helped at all. 

He’s always been known as the skinny kid. At family gatherings his relatives would tell him to eat more and then proceed to warn him about his metabolism catching up to him. In the past few years, he’s understood exactly what they were talking about. He needed to make a change and he did and now it’s turned into a damn eating disorder that’s going to cost him the love of his life.

“Jack? Babe, you home?”

Any semblance of the support system he’s had for the past three years is about to go to shit and that’s enough to break the barrier. Tears start rolling down his cheeks and he squeezes his eyes shut, slamming his head against the wall.

He’s not ready for this. 

“In here…” His voice breaks. It’s obvious that he’s been crying. It’ll be easier to get this over with now. Nothing about this is going to be easy, but it’s going to hurt no matter when it happens, so he may as well get it over with.

“You’re never gonna belie- are you crying?” Alex stops in the doorway of the bathroom. Jack is trying so hard not to look at him, because he knows his face will say everything. He knows what’s about to happen but he’s so scared anyway. His heart is pounding in his ears and he feels like he could puke again.

Alex kneels down in front of him and lifts his chin. “What’s wrong, J? Did something happen?”

“Can’t you smell it?” Jack croaks. “I purged, Lex. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard…” His breath hitches in his throat and he starts coughing, choking on saliva with tears burning in his eyes. He can’t breathe. Nothing feels right. He’s had panic attacks before, and they’re always so rattling. He’ll never get used to feeling like he’s going to die, like he’s going to suffocate and drop dead in the middle of this goddamn bathroom.

“Calm down, relax, _breathe_ , baby,” Alex murmurs, rubbing his shoulders. “I need you to take some deep breaths with me, okay? Can you do that? Deep breaths. You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

It takes a while and Jack is exhausted by the end of it, but eventually his breathing returns to normal and he doesn’t feel like his heart is going to burst out of his chest. 

“You can go,” Jack says hoarsely, dropping his head back down to his knees. He can’t bear to keep looking at Alex anymore. He can’t bear to see the relief in his eyes. He’s trying so hard to get through this without completely breaking, but it’s so fucking difficult. “You’ve done your good Samaritan shit. I’m okay now. I know you want to go, so go.”

“Where the hell would you get that idea?” Alex asks. “Come on, at least look at me if you’re trying to break up with me.”

“I’m not,” Jack mutters. “But you are. I know you’re done with me and done dealing with my shit and I don’t blame you. My eating disorder, it’s a lot and it’s messy and I don’t expect you to stick around. Just go, okay? Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. I’m not gonna resent you or anything.”

“Why the fuck do you think I’m going to leave you?” Alex says. He looks confused and Jack isn’t sure why. He should be relieved. Elated. He should be jumping for joy and thanking any god that exists because now he has an easy way out. 

“Because I purged. You made me promise I wouldn’t and I broke it. Because I can’t even eat right and you spend your life worrying and making sure I’m actually digesting everything that goes in my mouth. Because I’m so fucking messed up that the thought of eating a full meal makes me want to put a bullet in my brain. Are these convincing enough or should I go on?”

“Oh, baby,” Alex breathes. “Jack, listen to me. I knew what I was getting into when I realized you have an eating disorder. I did the research. I read stories. I spent hours trying to find every last bit of information so I’d know how to help. When I was reading peoples’ stories, the one thing that stuck out to me was the emphasis on patience. Recovery isn’t going to happen overnight. I know that. I know this isn’t going to be a smooth ride. What I don’t know is why you thought I’d leave when things got tough. I would never do that to you.”

“I tried so hard,” Jack whispers. “I didn’t want to.”

“But you did,” Alex says. “And that’s okay. You can try again. You can always try again.”

“What happens when I’m not strong enough?” Jack’s voice rises as he speaks. “What happens when I purge again? And again? And probably again because fuck me and my lack of control. What happens when you decide it’s too much? I can’t do this if I have to live in fear that one day you’ll realize my problems have turned into yours and leave. I can’t live my life knowing you have the power to change it with one simple decision. If you’re going to leave, leave now and save me the pain.”

“Hey.” Alex cups his cheek and smiles. “I love you. When I told you for the first time, I meant it. I love you, through everything, thick and thin, good, bad, and ugly. I love you and that’s never going to change. You’re stuck with me, okay?”

“You’re stuck with _me_ ,” Jack corrects. “I never want to you regret it.”

Alex turns and sits next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and kissing the side of his head. “I don’t. I never will. I love you too much to ever regret wanting to be with you.”

“I love you too,” Jack mumbles. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop that,” Alex tells him. “Let’s get you off this floor.”

Jack lets Alex help him to his feet and lead him out of the bathroom. He’s shaky, still dizzy from the force of his mini panic attack. It’s happened before, but that doesn’t make this one any less terrifying. The feeling of being unable to breathe is haunting. He’ll never forget it. He just wants to sleep. Sleep is the closest he can get to forgetting everything. He wants Alex and sleep and that’ll be enough. 

They settle in bed, Jack pressed against Alex’s chest and Alex’s hand running absentmindedly through Jack’s hair. Jack inhales and breathes in Alex’s cologne. The anxiety is finally starting to leave him. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to die. He’s safe, secure. Everything’s okay.

“I love you,” Alex murmurs, kissing his head. “I know you’re going to struggle with this for a long time and I’m going to be here for all of it. Don’t you ever forget that, okay?”

“Sometimes I wish weight didn’t exist,” Jack says wistfully. “Or that we weren’t allowed to know how much we weighed. It would’ve saved me so much agony. I hate living like this, Lex. I hate it.”

Alex’s other hand begins to rub his back in small circles. He settles back into it, appreciating Alex’s soft touch on his aching muscles. “I know. And I know it sucks, but you’re doing so well. Stop beating yourself up.”

“I purged after almost a week of not doing it,” Jack deadpans. “Don’t tell me you’re not frustrated.”

Just saying it makes him feel even shittier about himself. He was so close. He’d tried so hard and come so far, but he didn’t have the strength to make it the last day. He was so close to the milestone, the accomplishment, to feeling like all this pain was _worth_ something, and then it all had to go to shit. He had to fuck it all up like he always does. 

“I’m not,” Alex says firmly. “You’ve been working so hard, all week. I know how difficult it is for you to eat and not purge, and you’ve been doing so well. So you had a slip up. Big deal. There’ll always be bumps in the road. What matters now is you trying again, seeing if you can get through a whole week. And if not, that’s okay too. We’ll keep trying, for as long as it takes.”

“We,” Jack scoffs. 

“Yes, we,” Alex repeats. “We’re in this together, J. I’m right here with you. I can’t imagine what it’s like but I can be there for you while you’re going through it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Jack’s stomach is still empty and his head is still a mess and he still feels like a beached whale, but right now, in this moment, he’s safe and warm and happy.

And that’s enough for him.


End file.
